no more homework, no more books...

It's the end of school time. And you know what that means.

It means that it's time for my annual almost-get-run-over-by-an-SUV moment in the school crosswalk. Ladies and gentlemen, the last two weeks of school is when you need to be extra defensive and pay extra attention to the rules. I saw a little girl almost get killed yesterday when her parents were in such a hurry that they had her run across the street through traffic. Now, I'm usually in favor of a little chlorine in the gene pool, but I really didn't want to see cute little Jenny splattered across the street.

But the end of school also means ridiculous graduation ceremonies for children too small to know how many syllables are in the word "graduation." (Many high schoolers also don't know, but that's a different rant.) What is the point, exactly, of a kindergarten graduation? A coworker told me today that their school has a full cap and gown graduation ceremony, complete with a procession across the stage, for kids moving from kindergarten to first grade.

Am I the only one who thinks this is a little over the top? (By which I mean flippin' insane.) Families should definitely celebrate successful promotion by their children, but really, are our kids now so dumb that we have to throw a Times Square gala for not getting kicked out? And what about the occasional kid who doesn't get promoted? The kid whose parents realized they put their little four-year-old genius into kindergarten one year too early, then woke up one day to become Good Parents and Do The Right Thing by having Junior repeat kindergarten? Does Junior participate in this farcical lunacy? Does he "graduate" back into kindergarten?

I give a little more leeway for the 5th grade "promotion ceremony" going on at my kid's school today, but only a little. At least in this case, the kids are moving from the small, safe environment of the local elementary school into the mean, raw, integrated environment of the local middle school. Plus, there's no cap and gown. But then I heard that parents are planning big parties with graduation gifts. I assume that these gifts span the gamut from a new iPod to a new laptop. Surely Aunt Josie will spring for the savings bond.

I am all in favor of celebrating accomplishment. Just the other day I defended giving medals or trophies to all participants on little kid sports teams. And families should have a special dinner or something, maybe a pool party with some school friends, to mark the successful completion of another school year.

But get a grip, America. Not even I'm a big enough Bush hater to think this is what our country's (mis)leader meant by "No Child Left Behind."

Do other countries engage in this mass lunacy? Is it yet another manufactured holiday perpetrated by Hallmark? And what the hell is up with pink for girls and baby blue for boys in that photo? Institutionalizing subtle gender bias.