We all had a bunny named Cutie at one point

This is not a blog post about how heinous and atrocious the bigoted, fearful, anti-humanist religious right is in America. There's enough said about that, and their moral wrongness is self evident.

Today I read that the EU has condemned HB 2 for violating a UN treaty that the US signed on to in 1966. In response, the North Carolina governor's office quipped that "we relinquished our adherence to the British crown and European powers over 200 years ago," and another North Carolina Republican said that Democrats want to "install European socialist policies ... that are an affront to the common sense traditions of North Carolina and America."

Shortly after I read that piece, I walked by an essay one of my wife's younger writing students had written. It started

My bunny Cutie is very important to me, and in this essay I will tell you why my bunny Cutie is very important to me.

The handwriting looped with cheerful swoops and innocent smoothness. It wasn't hurried. There was no anger or bitterness in this kid's writing. It was simply a happy exposition on how much they loved their cute little bunny.

I try hard to remember that at some point in our lives, all of us (or nearly so) had a cute little bunny named Cutie, and that we all loved that cute little bunny.

I'll willing to bet that even people as cynical and hate-filled as NC Governor Pat McRory once had his own version of a pet bunny Cutie.

I wondered, as I thought about the two pieces of writing I had just read, how an innocent child who has a little bunny named Cutie, becomes trained into a person who thinks it's not only okay to discriminate against another individual, but to demonize a whole class of people and whip up hatred and fear about them. What skews that all-loving, all-accepting little soul into a prejudiced, bigoted zealot?

I think if everyone forgot about genitals, gender, sexual orientation, skin color, religious choice, and everything else, and if we all thought of each other as once being a little kid who had a bunny named Cutie, the world would be a far, far better place.

Even Governor McCrory appears to love animals. I wonder why he can't love people anymore.

Please stop calling it a gender pay gap. Because it's not.

I just read yet ANOTHER article about the "gender pay gap" in soccer. The following comma splice in particular caught my attention:

Women’s teams play just as hard on the pitch as men’s teams, they should be receiving equal reward for their hard earned victory.

That is fallacious logic. A job's pay is not set by the effort a person puts in; it is set by the market value of what that job produces. This is why actors who perform in local theater don't get paid the same as actors who perform on Broadway, even though they may produce similar quality and work equally hard. Also, this is why male soccer players in MLS do not get paid the same as male soccer players in most European leagues, even though they play just as hard on the pitch.

Fairness and gender equity are noble causes. I support equal pay for equal work. But come on. The outrage flying around the internet this week is misplaced.

The outrage should be that a jersey that sells for $80 is sewn by someone who gets paid pennies a day. The outrage should be that billions are spent on stadiums that crumble into decay after the tournament is over, built by laborers who can't afford to buy a ticket to a game played there.

Can we stop talking about this as gender inequity, please? Because it's not, and calling it so undermines the real issue of gender pay gaps.

If you showed me a woman creating ads for the World Cup who makes 70% of what a man making ads for the same World Cup makes, then I'd feel the outrage.

THAT would be a gender pay inequity. Equal pay for equal work is not the same as equal pay for equal effort. Is the discrepancy in payment from the men's and women's World Cups unfair? Possibly. Should it be "corrected" by a new rule to ensure a "fair" or "equitable" situation?

No.

Well, I could imagine a scenario where you reduce payments to men's teams so they are equal to payments made to women's teams. Spend the savings on community improvement, education, and health care in the places where the laborers live.

If you want to talk about equity and injustice, let's start from there.

(The photos are just ones I took of soccer related stuff. They don't actually relate to the text except that they are soccer, and I took them.)

Musings about Pi and Pi Day

Not so much about Pi Day but about Pi itself. I just watched the online World Clock turn over to 3/14/15 9:26:53, and it was... less moving than I expected. But I did take a screen capture to commemorate the occasion.

But all day I've been thinking, on and off, about Pi. Because I've been thinking a lot about life, and about spirituality, and about infinity. About religion and Religion, about God and god, about the connectedness of all things.

I have a theory that religious people and atheists differ only in semantics. Both are trying, in our finite and flawed human way, to get a grip on infinity.

Pi is an especially interesting representation of something that we mostly believe to be both infinity and perfection. Take a perfect circle and bisect it perfectly. Then divide the length of the bisecting segment into the circumference of the circle. You'll get this magical number that never repeats yet goes on indefinitely. It really is a beautiful number.

Now, of circles and bisecting them:

Circles figure prominently in our legends and lore, in our metaphors and our rituals. We use rings to symbolize union in marriage, we have family circles and circles of friends, we discuss the circle of life.

Division and union also figure prominently in our lives. Two hands that oppose and complement each other. Two sexes, required to unite for procreation. Yin and Yang, black and white, attract and repel. Marriage and divorce.

Pi has this sort of magical place in, around, and through all of this. Pi is sort of the God number. It is perfect and infinite, yet patternless.

I know Pi can be calculated in other number bases, but I'm too lazy to look up whether anyone has really studied those to see if they have the same mystical properties as Pi. I assume they do, since conversion from one base to another is pretty straightforward.

So it's not the number itself that intrigues me. It's the perfection of the ratio of the circle to the straight line that bisects it, in a perfectly mathematical world. But we do not live in a perfectly mathematical world. Our world is imperfect. Our perception is finite. We live in more than two dimensions. In our world, the perfect circle does not actually exist; it exists only in the theoretical, as described by mathematics. I suppose I would say that the same is surely true for the perfect being: a perfect being can only exist in the theoretical, as described by theology.

Pi exists where the theoretical touches the physical. We can't ever know the full extent of Pi because it is perfect and infinite, and therefore in its full and true form it can't exist in our finite and flawed world. But we take comfort in its existence and wonder at its majesty. We know in our hearts that it is there, that it is bigger than we can comprehend.

Scientology, clearly you know nothing about science or religion.

Of all the Superbowl ads I saw today, one just keeps coming back to me and making me shake my head in wonder.

At about 13 seconds in, the narrator says, "Imagine an age in which the predictability of science and the wisdom of religion combine."

This is like saying, "Imagine an energy source in which the efficiency of gerbils on treadmills, and the cleanliness of burning coal, combine." W. T. F. Seriously.

Scientology, you just proved in one sentence that you actually know nothing about either science or religion.

The best scientists know that science is not predictable. If it were predictable, it would be called engineering because you'd already know the outcome of the calculations. Science is the work of trying things to see what will happen. We make guesses at what might happen, but we actually try it to see if we're right. And at the most interesting of times, we aren't.

As to religion: Religion is faith. Faith is the absolute conviction that something is true, without needing evidence to prove it. This is not wisdom; wisdom relies on knowledge and discernment, based on experience and thoughtful analysis. Faith relies only on conviction, frequently discarding both knowledge and discernment.

If you are paying attention, you will notice that science is the source of wisdom while religion enjoys complete predictability.

I don't know anything about Scientology, and I don't intend to find out. But seriously. If you are trying to attract smart people into your cult, you should at least try not to destroy your own arguments in your own ads with one single sentence.

The privilege of driving a stick shift in suburbia, and being able to laugh about it

My younger son recently got his learner's permit, and he's been eager to get out and drive as often as possible. He's only had four hours behind the wheel, and he's already almost--not quite, but almost--mastered the stick shift.

This is the car.

Last night he took me out for a practice drive. Fifteen minutes of warmup through our suburban neighborhood with broad, sparsely trafficked streets; gentle curves with good visibility and a few stop signs; and the mildest of hills. Christmas lights ranged from simple elegance to the most garish displays of electrical overindulgence I've seen anywhere. He almost missed one stop sign. Almost.

After the warmup, we went out on the bigger streets. Multiple turn lanes at stoplights, crossing major intersections, a lot more traffic. He was nervous but had done this once before and handled the vehicle well. Another stint through another suburban neighborhood... then:

He made a good start from a stop sign into a tight left turn despite the headlights of an SUV close behind. He got into second gear, then went to shift into third but missed and hit first again.

Have you ever accidentally downshifted when you meant to shift up? The car bucks like crazy, the engine fighting against momentum and slowing like you slammed the brakes. To his credit, he got it back to neutral and then found third gear almost immediately. He was flustered but not panicked.

Until the SUV behind us turned on its red and blue flashing lights. Yup, a cop. A cop at 9:30 p.m. on a Thursday night during the height of holiday party season. My son smoothly glided to a stop on the shoulder with a little coaching from me. The cop pulled up behind. My son was now very flustered as I retrieved his permit from the glove box and handed it over.

"Can I see your license, please?" The cop shined his flashlight into the car but stood behind the driver's window. I couldn't see him. My son handed out the permit, and I leaned forward into the light and asked if he wanted my license, too.

The cop's face broke into a big, knowing smile when he looked at the permit. "That explains it," he said. He said he was just making sure "we got home safely because from the sudden deceleration in the middle of the street, he wasn't sure we would." I.e. he though he'd spied a drunk driver. But it was just a kid, learning to drive a stick shift. A few more seconds of kind and gentle banter between us, with my son explaining the mis-shift, and he went on his way. My son did an excellent job of recovering, pulling away cleanly, and finishing the last 20 minutes of our drive without any mistakes.

For me, that is a great story, a funny anecdote, a memory I'll enjoy for decades. For my son, it's a great learning experience.

It wasn't until this morning that I realized it could have been a very different kind of story, a very different kind of learning experience.

If we hadn't been white.

I don't know the officer we met, and he was absolutely right to stop us to check us out. And he was right to be cautious as he approached the car. Once he saw us, though, everything changed. If we hadn't been white, would he have so easily dropped his caution? Maybe he would have. Maybe another guy wouldn't. With us, he was professional, kind, understanding, and efficient. If we'd been black, would we have gotten the same quick and cheerful dismissal?

I like to think in our town, yes. I like to think that our town is somehow more enlightened about diversity than the towns we've read about so often in the news recently. But I don't know. That's probably what the white people who live in those towns like to think, too.

For me, this is still a great story, a funny anecdote, a memory I'll enjoy for decades. And for my son, it's still a great learning experience. For him, the lesson is that he doesn't have to fear cops or be nervous if he ever gets pulled over again.

I wish that were the lesson that all 15 year old boys could get when pulled over for a simple shifting mistake while out learning to drive with their dads.

But I understand that's not the case.

Yet.

Some day. Some day.

Health can't be measured by a bathroom scale

About eight weeks ago I sprained my MCL, and I haven't been able to play soccer since. And ever since summer, I've skipped my early morning gym time, choosing instead to work on the third novel in my Semper - Forsada - To-be-titled series.

This means I haven't seriously exercised in a long, long time. But I know I'm still in great shape because the bathroom scale says I've only gained a pound or two in all those months. Right?

Actually, that's a pretty stupid conclusion. It would be like saying the economy is strong because the stock market is high.

Truth is, I am still reasonably fit, and if I only look at one indicator (the bathroom scale), then I think things are going great. But to judge my real health, I have to look at many other indicators and all the things that go into health--diet, activity, stress, etc. Same thing with the health of any complex system. I've blogged about this in my day job. You can't take one indicator, as important as it may be, and understand the full health of a complex system like a human body, a workforce, an educational system, a government, or an economy.

In the USA, we have a addiction to primary indicators. By that I mean we obsess over the one magical number we can use to grade everyone and everything. We see it in our obsession with the Dow Jones Industrial Average, which leads every business news report but really doesn't tell us very much about the health of the economy overall. We see it in standardized test scores like the SAT, which determines so much about a student's college admission but really doesn't test education or ability; it only grades whether the child has the prepared to take the SAT. We see it in consumption, where price alone drives so many of our purchases.

Take, for example, the omnipresent fast food "meal deal." Most places offer options to upsize your meal, and the price delta is minuscule compared to the base price. Pay $6 for the regular, $6.70 for the medium, or $7.15 for the large. Or, "add chips and a drink" for just two bucks. Notice they call it a "meal," not "the healthy addition."

The American psyche looks at that and quickly calculates that the price per increase is negligible compared to the initial buy-in. Virtually no thought is given to how hungry the person is; the only indicator that matters is price. So naturally, most people size up. Best decision? Probably not, even though it might seem to make economic sense to get a lot more of something for just a little extra spent.

Because that makes it really hard to keep the bathroom scale steady.

Empowering others to their own self-empowerment

Yesterday a friend pointed me to a link with seven awesome affirmations, reasons to "stop proving yourself to everyone else." There are great points there for everyone to remind themselves of from time to time, especially in the Internet era.

But as I read it, I thought about how these lists are like Twinkies for the psyche--good for the sugar rush and quick calories for one's confidence, but not enough to overcome true self esteem difficulties if the environment around you pushes you down all the time. It's easy to tell yourself to be who you really are, find your own path, own your happiness... but if those closest to you don't give you the space and support you need, you'll keep getting dragged down.

As a parent, youth coach, former scout leader, and manager in the workplace, I am constantly focusing on empowering others. I believe in all seven points in the article and use my own version of them to guide me in coaching, managing, raising my kids, talking with friends--everywhere I interact with people. Maybe that's just my positivity strength, but everyone is capable of being a force for empowerment.

With that in mind, here are seven points for those of us who want to empower others to grow, to accomplish all they can, to be happier, to suffer less stress.

1. Don't compare them to someone else.

Being compared to someone else sucks, especially if you're the one that falls short. Celebrating the abilities and accomplishments of others is wonderful, and we should do that. Saying that Susan's husband is a great cook, however, is different from saying, "I wish you could cook like Susan's husband." Being happy your son's friend got straight A's is different from saying, "I guess you're just not smart like he is."

We all have different talents, strengths, likes, and dislikes. The girl that can't spell might be a dynamite poet. The boy struggling in Chemistry might be a whiz at Physics. Instead of pointing out where you think they're falling short, focus on what they do well. Recognize their talents. Don't get mat at your kid if he'd rather socialize than bury his head in a book; chances are, the parents of the bookworm wish their kid would be more outgoing and social. Love them for who they are, acknowledge and understand their strengths, and guide them in a way that will help them harness those strengths.

2. Understand, then embrace, their dreams.

Popular culture is full of stories of parents forcing their kids into certain careers or molds. Sometimes it works out, but come on. If you were forced into a career you hated, how happy would you be?

People perform better and live happier if they can pursue what they love. What they love, not what you want them to love. Maybe you think you see them being successful in a particular path if they'd only commit themselves to it. But they never commit, even if they've tried it. Frustrating, right? Forget it. Their dreams are not about you. Their dreams are about them. They won't commit to your ideas because they're your ideas, not necessarily their ideas. Instead of trying to fit them into roles, help them figure out for themselves what they love. Then, embrace it. Support it.

3. Illuminate their path, but don't walk it for them

We all know the term "micromanage" as a bad word. For good reason. Not only does a micromanager frustrate the people they're controlling, but they're also creating stress and stifling growth. This is true both with leading teens and managing the workplace, where we strive to develop and grow talent while simultaneously accomplishing the work that needs to get done.

The manager's job is to set up the tasks, then provide the tools and materials for the worker to get the job done. Get out of the way and let them do it. Maybe they'll do it a different way from your way, and that's okay. If they seek help, give it. Shine a light on the path so they know where to go, but don't control every step of the way. People perform far better if you let them unleash their own creativity, and they take far greater pride when they know they've accomplished something on their own.

Micromanaging says I don't trust you to do it right. Handing them the keys and giving them a map says I know you can do it. Which is more empowering?

4. Make sure they stop looking up for a bit.

We're all under such pressure to reach a consumerism-defined version of "success." It's so easy to look at those who have more than we do and think we're not as successful as we should be. Nicer cars, bigger houses, brighter jewelry, fancier clothes. Don't feed that monster. It's just one more way that society makes us feel less than we are. If you think about it, advertising exists to make us think our life sucks, and to make us compare ourselves to some consumeristic ideal that, when you look at it, is all veneer and no structure.

If you know someone perpetually feeling stressed about their wealth or feeling inferior to those who have more things, help them stop looking up the economic ladder for a bit. Help them look down and see how high they really are. (With 1.6 billion people living without electricity, if they can read this blog post they're already in pretty good shape.) Then, go a step further and help them understand that they should not define themselves by the things they possess. And prove it by caring about them, not about their things. Be a good friend.

5. Be patient.

Not everyone develops at the same pace, so be patient. I see parents getting so frustrated with their children because things seem so much easier to adults than to kids. The kid has only 15 years of life experience instead of the 40 or 50 the parent has, after all. The kid isn't going to automatically know or be able to do things adults take for granted. It starts early, with new parents fretting that their baby isn't walking as early as those other babies... give it a rest. All kids grow up. Parenting is a constant exercise in seeing the world from the kid's perspective and helping them grow up. Same thing is true with adults. We are all growing and developing every day, facing new challenges and trying to learn new things. Don't get frustrated that they're not expert in everything right now.

6. Let them fall... but be ready with the first aid kit.

We've all seen the graphics going around the internet that success can't be reached by a straight path. Success is reached through a multitude of missteps, learning with each one. Parents and micromanagers have difficulty seeing their children and workers fail. It could be because they think the failure would reflect badly on them as the parent or manager. Or it could be that they don't want the task to go undone or be done incorrectly. Or, they might just be uncomfortable seeing their kid or worker feel bad at falling short of the goal.

But if you do everything for them, they'll never grow. They'll never feel the sting of losing or the elation of achievement because it will always be dampened by the knowledge that someone was there to fix it and make it all right. Sometimes, you have to be there to catch them before they get hurt. Other times, though, it's more important to stand by and watch, then pick them up and apply the first aid afterwards. Either way, you have to let go and allow them to grow. But let them know you're nearby.

7. Don't try to make it all about you.

It isn't about you. So don't try to make it about you. When they're telling you something, don't hijack their story and tell your own. When they're telling you what they want out of life, don't compare it to what you want out of life. When they're working out a problem, don't try to make them do it your way. So what if they want to load the silverware into the dishwasher upside-down? So what if they want to drive the back streets when you would take the highway? It's not about you, and you can't successfully make it about you. When you try, all you do is make people feel that you care only about yourself and don't care about them.

And maybe that's really the case. But it doesn't have to be.

You got me all wrong. See? I have an earring. (blog post)

Today is my birthday, and I am very disappointed in you all. I only wanted one thing for my birthday. Just one thing. And you couldn't find it within yourself to do that one little thing? Just look:

See that? It says 44 reviews. All I wanted was 50 reviews by my birthday. Was that so hard to do? I gave you more than two months. But I won't hold it against you. I know you're busy. It's the thought that counts, right? I'll just keep telling myself that.

OK, sorry. Maybe I'm just cranky because I reluctantly joined a new demographic today. No, it has nothing to do with the Supreme Court's smack-down of DOMA and Prop 8... I'm still married to my wife of 23 years. Instead, it has to do with turning 46 years old. Most surveys that ask your age, I've noticed, use these categories: under 25, 26-35, 36-45, and "really old." I might have to stop taking online surveys.

Yes, recently I started wearing a diamond stud in my left ear after letting it sit in a drawer for 20 years. (The earring, I mean, not the ear.) I am here to tell you that my new old earring is not a response to a midlife crisis. Some people might think that I'm desperately trying to recreate my past in a pathetic attempt to stay young. While this may be true, it is not a midlife crisis. It's a statement of individuality.

How long are you going to make me wait before you stop laughing?

Seriously. This one little thing might make someone question their first impression of me. Balding, middle aged, straight, white male working for a Big Bank and wearing a pinstripe suit to a city department board meeting. Any guesses what that guy's political leanings are?

Now add an earring. See? It makes all the difference, doesn't it? Okay, maybe not, but at least now you're wondering if the guy is gay because you can't remember if left ear means "gay" or "behind the times." (But of course he's not gay because look at those awful shoes.)

So really it's all about breaking down stereotypes and disassociating myself from what is coming to be the common portrayal of my demographic: misogynistic, homophobic, racist, aristocratic hypocrites. I mean that's the portrayal these days. It's not my actual demographic. I'm none of those things, and I hate that people who don't know me might assume it.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

And because I feel like including a few links:
CHALUPA!
Still mad as hell
Also, a vampire.

And just in case you feel like giving me a nice birthday present after all:

Just click here to write your review now.

she's a girl, not a woman. fifteen will get you twenty, dude.

Remember way back last week when a man was arrested for having sex with a minor?

A women's water polo team.
I am sad to say I did not
personally take this photo.

The man was a girls' water polo coach at our local high school. I don't know either the girl or the man, but from the rumors shoved down my throat, this seems to have been consensual. (The law, of course, insists that a minor cannot consent, so  the dude is in big trouble for his galactically awful judgment. I don't excuse him. Not one bit.)

But here's the thing. The high school administration, and the local sports community at large, are as guilty as anyone in this.

I'm a writer. I think words matter. The difference between "infant" and "toddler," for example, is huge. An infant isn't mobile, can't pull an unattended knife off a kitchen counter and stick it into an electrical outlet (or into a little brother). Infants are cute when they cry. Toddlers are Terrible, all the time. We all know it without any more information than the words infant and toddler.

What about the difference between "girl" and "woman"? Girls are innocent and naive. They're Laura Ingalls. They fantasize about being Disney princesses swept away by Prince Charming, and they wear fairy wings even when it's not Halloween. Women, however, have a gritty, world-wise toughness. They listen to All Things Considered, count points, and have credit card debt. They understand that romantic comedies are shelved under Fiction.

The article linked above, you may have noticed, referred to the arrested man as a "girls' water polo coach." Our high school, however, consistently refers to our girls' sports as women's teams. When I was growing up, I was on the boys' track team, not the men's track team. Why are we in such a hurry these days to treat our kids like adults? Why can't we let them be kids?

Kinda says all we need to know about that, doesn't it?

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but when the participants are minors, I think they should be called boys and girls, not men and women. The coach was told, over and over, that he was coaching women. The girls were told, over and over, that they were women. What, exactly, did the administration expect to happen?

youth protection: it's not about gay people

This year, May is known as the month that the Boy Scouts of America will vote on whether to continue their discriminatory anti-gay policy or to soften their bigotry so they don't officially hate gay kids. (They'll still officially hate gay adults.)

Maybe hate is the wrong word. Maybe fear is better.

No, let's go with hate.

BSA surveyed their members to help guide them in this difficult decision. That survey shows that 51% of chartered councils have come out in favor of being as bigoted as possible. "Don't change the policy," they cry.

The reason so many of BSA's members and leaders feel this way is hard to pin down. A lot is made of potential membership deterioration should gays be let in. Then there are the in-depth analyses of changing attitudes, comparing surveys and demographics from three years ago to surveys today. But mostly it seems to stem from the "Judeo-Christian moral principles" of sexuality being reserved for a man and a woman in marriage. Basically, the religious segment within BSA believe that people shouldn't have sex if they're not married (and marriage is one man with one woman, but that's a different blog post).

BSA already acknowledges that since all scouts are minors, any sexual conduct is inappropriate and therefore forbidden. They wrote that down. It's in their FAQ.

But we also already have laws against adults engaging in sexual conduct with minors. It, too, is inappropriate and therefore forbidden. Why, then, do we need to exclude gay men and women from scouting? Does being gay make them worse at tying knots, planning a budget, building a campfire, carrying a backpack, administering first aid? Does being gay make them unable to teach, to coach, to lead? Apparently, many in the BSA organization think so. Fifty-one percent, to be precise.

This week, a local high school water polo coach was arrested for having sex with a teenage girl. Being heterosexual does not make a person trustworthy.

In the US, two out of five first marriages end in divorce. Being heterosexual does not make a person morally upstanding in that "traditional values" sense.

Out of ten randomly selected Boy Scouts child molestation cases, I found six of the ten were married. It's not reasonable to extrapolate that to the entirety of the population, of course. Presumably, these married men were heterosexual. Being married clearly does not make an adult safe in a position of authority over children.

BSA has put in place many good policies to protect children from predators. No one-on-one contact. Two deep leadership at all events. Regular training of all adult leaders. Many reasonable, smart precautions that protect both the child and the trustworthy adult. Not a single one of these policies requires a heterosexual orientation in order to comply. A homosexual person can follow all these rules as easily and as well as I can.

Being homosexual does not make a person dangerous to children. Being heterosexual does not make a person safe with children.

Boy Scouts: Going from wrong to still just as wrong

Me when I used
to wear the uniform
of a Scout leader.

On Friday an email from Diversity, Inc hit my inbox with an exciting subject line. Because of my display settings, the ending was cut off, so I saw this:

BREAKING NEWS: Boy Scouts to End Gay Ban for...

Even though I was already a couple minutes late to a lunch meeting, in excitement I opened the email, only to find the rest of the sentence:

... Members, Not Leaders

Essentially, gay boys can participate in Boy Scouts, but gay and lesbian adults cannot. (The Board of BSA still needs to vote on this new change.) This makes no sense. None whatsoever. Go ahead, I dare you to try to make a rational argument that convinces me this makes sense from any perspective. Any perspective at all.

"A step in the right direction?" I guess. But this paragraph in the above linked article gives me pause:

In making its announcement, Boy Scouts spokesperson Deron Smith said the decision would be that “no youth may be denied membership in the Boy Scouts of America on the basis of sexual orientation or preference.” The choice of language alone indicates the cultural disconnect of the Boy Scouts: The term “preference” is anathema to the LGBT community, since it indicates that being LGBT is a choice, which it is not. Even mainstream media organizations like the Associated Press and the New York Times no longer use the term “preference” in relation to orientation.

I wonder how "equal" a gay boy's membership will be in many troops. Also, it's unclear whether individual troops will have the ability to keep a boy out, simply shunting him over to a different troop.

But yes, a step in the right direction. At least BSA is no longer saying that being gay is inherently morally wrong.

Oh, wait, yes, they are.

Still hiking, camping,
and all that as a dad but
not as an ASM.

By keeping gay and lesbian adults from participating as scout leaders, BSA is perpetuating their paranoid bigotry. The message is that a gay adult is somehow a danger to the boys in the troop. How could a gay father or a lesbian mother be a danger to boys in the troop? Being gay does not make someone a pedophile. Gay people don't try to recruit children into being gay. Being gay does not mean you have a harder time with camping, tying knots, building fires, or any other activity I've been trained to do as an Assistant Scoutmaster.

This compromise makes no logical sense. I don't see how the religious conservatives will be okay with it. And I don't see how anti-discrimination groups will be okay with it. I certainly am not.

From a funding standpoint, BSA must have cleared this with the Mormon and Catholic churches. They can't afford to lose that revenue without gaining corporate donations, and I can't imagine any corporation that currently does not give to Boy Scouts changing their policy based on this.

BSA is still discriminating. They're still wrong.

And I'm still not wearing the uniform.

Being in charge is not the same as being a leader. Don't be a jerk. k thx (blog post)

I haven't worked on my novel in a month because I've spent all my discretionary non-family time on work. It's been a busy, frustrating period in my job for a number of reasons. My backlog is building every day. I haven't been able to make time to exercise or play soccer. It's been that kind of two-month period. (I know, I know... poor me. The awful problems of a white male upper middle class executive. Just bear with me, okay?)

Last Friday I vowed to reclaim some personal time starting this morning. I believe people can't be effective at work if they aren't balanced in their life--physically, emotionally, and intellectually. Even so, I worked several hours over the weekend to meet a deadline.

Then this morning I received an email that was so disrespectful to me, my team, and our product that I just can't let it go. It came from a senior "leader." He had a good point or two buried among the insulting language, and we'll work with those as we plan future product improvements. But that doesn't excuse the disrespectful language.

This has me incensed for two reasons. First, I do take it personally. How can I not? I'm a professional and will use the actual feedback he provided, but I'm also an individual who deserves to be treated professionally and with respect. That is, I'm a person with feelings. So yeah, it hurts and makes me mad.

Second, I am sick and tired of people who use aggressive language and bullying to get their way. The email I received isn't abusive per se, but it's one of those "if you disagree then you're just as stupid as they are" tones.

I am not an easily bullied person. I once lost a job because I refused to fire a good employee; my boss needed someone to take the fall for his mistakes... when I refused, my boss decided to fire us both. I lost my job, but I kept my integrity. I would do the same thing again. I'm no rebel, but I also won't cowtow to petulance and disrespect just because that person holds a powerful position.

People, say it with me:

BEING IN CHARGE IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING A LEADER.

You can often get people to do what you want in the short term by being a jerk. But I believe that you get far more from people by respecting them, supporting them, and giving them room to challenge themselves. Frequently they will outperform your expectations.

About the boss that wanted his underlings to take the fall for his mistakes... that startup company was out of business a year later. I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere.

#BSA should follow this council's lead. THANK YOU @bsamdsc (blog post)

I never actually formally resigned my status as an Assistant Scout Master; I just stopped wearing the uniform and fulfilling the duties. I am not sure if it was just laziness on my part, or if it was my innate optimism causing me to believe that things would change soon at BSA, and when they did I would probably step up as a leader once more.

Last month, our local council (Mount Diablo Silverado) sent out a survey to over 5,000 stakeholders--scout leaders, registered adult volunteers, scouts, and scout parents--and got a 42% response rate. The survey was specifically about BSA's national "membership standards," which is the official term for BSA's policy of discriminating against gay people.

Earlier, our council was at the center of a media firestorm about BSA's policy. That drove me bananas and made me embarrassed to be a part of this organization. Today, I have tremendous hope because our council executed this survey and is completely transparent with the results and is taking action. The membership of our council spoke loudly and clearly.

Now, I'm a data wonk for sure. I love analyzing survey data, especially trying to mix in various dimensions to see what the data is really telling us. Back when I wrote a weekly college football column, I based nearly all my analysis on stats, and the more obscure patterns I could see, the more fun I had with it.

No such super-deep analysis is needed with this survey. The results pretty overwhelmingly say three things:

1. The vast majority of our council membership want the policy changed, and most want it changed at the national level (none of this "each group can decide to be homophobic if they want to" stuff).
2. Scouts in particular (the youth in the organization) want the policy changed.
3. People who are prejudiced are really prejudiced. People who like the policy as it is say they would be even less likely to recommend scouting if it's changed. (Fortunately, some day, these people will die off. But that's my independent prediction; the survey doesn't actually say they'll die off.)

I took this survey, and I took the time to fill out every text box that was available to me. Apparently, quite a few others did, too, and some day I hope to see the verbatim responses which are not published in the web-accessible version of the report (which, I must say, makes total sense). The council called such responses "quite helpful and in many cases inspiring."

But what really has me feeling good today is the action our council has taken. I hope they don't mind me quoting it here--it's publicly viewable as section 5 of the survey results, and I think they should be commended for not only taking action based on the survey results but for being thoughtful about the right action to take and going that extra step. I actually got chills reading this, which is rare for me. It gives me hope amid all the prejudice and political bullshit that goes on in the world (Congress, I'm looking at you).

LIFTED VERBATIM FROM THE REPORT
5. Recommendations
Given that the national board may evolve their view on this matter, our committee does not believe that the MDSC board should vote on the current proposed changes to national BSA’s membership standard. Rather we believe the MDSC board should vote to support a set of principles that represent the views of the majority of our members. Further, we believe our board should vote to advocate for these principles. Finally we believe our board should vote to encourage our national board representatives to vote in a manner consistent with these principles.

5.1 Membership Standard Principles that represent the majority opinion of the MDSCGiven the work of the committee, the findings from our survey, and our debates and discussions, we recommend the adoption of the following principles:

A. Scouts and Scouters should be judged by their conduct, their actions, and their character, consistent with the Scout Oath and Scout Law, not by stereotypes or group related prejudices.
B. The Scout Oath and the Scout Law are foundational ideas that every person should be exposed to so that all people can benefit from the Scouting movement’s principles, ideals, and values.
C. Regardless of sexual orientation, sexual topics and conduct, which include pointing out another individual’s sexual orientation, are not part of the Scouting movement and should not be tolerated. Further, the Scouting movement should not permit its organization to be used as a vehicle to promote any personal, political, social or other objective that is inconsistent with the Scout Oath and Scout Law.
D. The results of the MDSC Membership Standards Survey and the discussions of our committee have reaffirmed the role that the Scouting Movement has had and can continue to have in shaping the lives and values of young people. However the current BSA membership policy clearly excludes an entire group based on a presumption of behavior rather than on the actions of individuals. Excluding an entire group of people based on stereotypes and prejudices is inconsistent with the Scout Oath and Scout Law. The current membership policy is of deep concern to many in the Mt. Diablo Silverado Council for its potential to undermine the future vitality of the Scouting movement.
E. Chartered Organizations have always and will continue to create Scouting Units that are consistent with their organizational faiths, standards and deeply held beliefs. However, we believe that the national BSA board should not pass this important decision from BSA’s governing body to Chartered Organizations. Rather, we believe that the national board should adopt a standard policy, consistent with the Scout Oath, Scout Law, and the principles documented within this report, which ends the isolation and exclusion of LGBT individuals.

... and it leads to action

Thank you, MDSC, for asking us, listening to us, and taking action. Even better is this nugget from the newsletter that I got from the council and included in the survey's summary on the MDSC web site:

On Saturday March 16th at our Annual Business meeting the Committee’s recommendations (Section 5) were adopted and are now the guiding principles for the Mount Diablo Silverado Council.

It may have been a long time in coming, but the council has done this in such a way that it's based on facts and on the whole membership's beliefs. Hopefully the national BSA board will come around as well and stop basing their policy on the very loud voices and deep pockets of a prejudiced, fearful minority.

A view from Mt. Diablo overlooking our council's territory. Our mountain has one of the largest viewsheds in the western United States. No wonder our council takes a broad view of this issue and is taking inclusive action.

The beauty of the 4-way stop (blog post)

This morning, after dropping my boys off at their schools, I stopped at an intersection I've been through thousands of times before. Just a standard suburban four-way stop. I intended to go straight across but waited to allow the pickup truck coming the other way to make his left turn across my path. He had arrived first, after all.

But he paused. He started into his turn, but tentative. He and the two guys crammed into the little cab with him watched me as they crossed slowly.

The pickup was cruddy and old, probably held together by string and prayer. The back was filled with gardening tools--rakes, a dented trash can, a lawn mower. A stereotypical independent lawn service coming to work in our upscale neighborhood from one of the neighboring, less affluent towns.

Behind me as I waited, an enormous SUV, the kind with room for eight kids and all their accoutrements, pulled up behind. Our town is filled with trucks like these, driven by moms who might not be decked out in Tiffany and Cartier but who almost certainly have some in their bedrooms at home. Our town is also crawling with BMWs and other vehicles that cost, I am sure, more than all three of those guys in the pickup truck make in a whole year. (For the record, I live in the "poor" part of town. No Tiffany or Cartier or BMWs for us.)

As I drove home from the intersection, I pondered the tentative way the pickup driver took his turn, the wary looks on the three men as they watched me. I don't know them or why they acted that way. Maybe they'd been hit by an impatient driver there before. Maybe it was something else.

In any case, it was their turn to go. So I waited. And they drove on.

The four-way stop does not distinguish between rich and poor, male and female, old and young, gay and straight. The four-way stop does not recognize the socioeconomic differences between a white bank executive and a Hispanic gardener. Everyone is equal at a four-way stop, subject to the same rules and order of precedence.

I find that beautiful.

But all my pondering left me with a big question. If we can all accept each other as truly equal at a four-way stop, why can't we do it everywhere?

why I think my brother is a genius

You may think that my brother is a genius because he cures cancer. But it took a nine year old with a Polaroid camera to illustrate his true genius.

Way back when, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and Santa was still clinging to reality, my nine year old nephew, Max, armed with a Polaroid instant camera, approached his father on Christmas Eve. Young enough to still be skeptical of skepticism, he said to his father, "My friends say Santa isn't real. So I'm going to leave this camera here next to the Christmas tree, with a note for Santa. So he can prove he's real."

The note said, "Dear Santa, please take a picture of yourself in front of our tree. Thank you, Max."

My brother put his son to bed and set out the Christmas presents. He ate the cookies and drank the milk. And he worried and worried what he would say to his son in the morning when there was no photo of Santa in front of the tree.

In the morning, my nephew ran to the living room and, ignoring the presents, went straight to the camera.

The camera was still there. The cookies and milk were gone. Max's note was still there. But scribbled at the bottom of the note was this answer: "Max, thank you for the milk and cookies. Mrs. Claus will love the photo. Sincerely, Santa."

Max looked heartbroken as he wailed, "I should have told him to leave the picture!"

That is why I think my brother is a genius.

for Christmas all I want is fewer dead children

The holidays are approaching. Oh hell, they're here already.

This means relatives visiting, tight travel schedules, crowded supermarkets and honking horns at the mall, office parties, and end-of-year deadlines. It also means we're approaching the darkest day of the year. What does this all add up to?

Stress.

Every red light seems to last longer, doesn't it? Every dinnertime seems to bring more telemarketer calls. Every commute seems to have twice as many idiots in twice as many cars.

Am I right?

Yesterday, a child riding his bike to our middle school got hit by a car. The kid went to the hospital but will be all right, thank goodness. I wasn't there. I don't know what happened. But I do know from personal experience how distracted parents get this time of year and how impatient they are behind the wheel.

Your kid is slow to wake up, slow to get ready for school. He'll still be barely on time, but now you're five minutes late and that means you could miss the start of your 9 o'clock call. Or your yoga class. Or your coffee date. Or your housecleaner's arrival. And there are all these people driving slowly in front of the school and just freaking hurry your ass up you morons!

Or maybe you're approaching the school and you just found out Johnny left his all-important history presentation poster at home. What do you mean I have to go home and get it? I've got things to do!

A few years ago I volunteered as a crossing guard at our elementary school. You'd be shocked at how many people make illegal and ill-advised U turns during the busiest pick-up and drop-off times. And how many drive 35 or 40 miles an hour through a crosswalk when kids are standing at the curb. Normally sane and intelligent people suddenly decide traffic laws are more like suggestions and don't really apply when you're in a hurry anyway.

After all, 11 year old kids are so aware and responsible and careful. Right? What could go wrong?

Despite my fashionably reflective orange vest and the huge STOP sign I was holding and my very cautious nature, I was nearly hit four times as a crossing guard. Once, a huge SUV barreled through the crosswalk at about 30 miles per hour while I was standing on the double-yellows with the STOP sign out. The mom was looking behind into the back seat at her kids, yelling at them as she pulled from the curb and into traffic. Had there been a kid stepping off the curb at the same time he'd have been killed. Had I been two feet more to my left, I might have been killed.

Seriously, people. Slow down. Pay attention.

Oh boy, I'm glad I didn't quit

I got an email yesterday from someone I didn't know. It said, "I loved your book. Please let me know when you put out your next one." This person went out of her way to find my web site, find my email address, and call attention to her email with a subject line that would make sure I didn't mistake her email for spam. That's pretty cool, right? Totally made my day.

This afternoon I followed a link on Twitter to Rachelle Gardner's blog of November 7th, which presented a succinct collection of writerly roadblocks, along with a pithy collection of ways to avoid falling into despair when confronted by them. You should go read it.

An optimist by nature, I tend to look at life as a huge pile of opportunities, a pile so big I can only experience a tiny fraction of them during my lifetime. Despair is not something I experience often because I simply dump the un-fun activity and go do something more worth my limited time.

Writing a book takes tons of time, but it's also really fun. Navigating the cruel and merciless publishing industry? Not fun. Rejection is a "rite of passage," if you get any response at all. Acceptance is usually just another step on the path to a different type of rejection. And at the end, two years later if you're lucky, you get three months to prove that your book was worth that measly advance you got.

After I'd written Semper, I held my completed manuscript and stood between two options. On one side, the publishing industry. On the other, my huge pile of opportunities (like exercise, traveling, reading, time with my kids, etc.). I just about tossed the manuscript aside and dove into the pile. Why jump into a pit of despair when life could be full of fun things?

Even so, I did despair for a while. I didn't want to give up writing, or my life-long dream of publishing a novel. And here I stood, with what I thought was a pretty darned good one. On the verge of quitting writing altogether, I started discovering, on my own, the other truths that Ms. Gardner describes. I had options. I could take control. I could carry through my dream in a different way. So I published Semper myself.

Had I quit, I would never have written the sequel (due out in January 2013). If I hadn't written the sequel, I would never have gotten these notes from the friend of a beta reader who also read the draft:

I started reading the book Monday and couldn't stop reading. So, I finished reading tonite (Tuesday) at about 7:30pm. ... That book was gooddddd. I need him to get that 3rd book out. How in the heck did he get his ideas of this book on paper. What an imagination. WOW!

Now, is that the best review in the world? Naw, of course not. But it's a validation of my decision not to quit. It's a validation of everything Ms. Gardner says. Do not despair. Things might not work out the way you initially envisioned, but things turn out best for those who make the best of how things turn out. And there are more options for writers today than ever before. You may need to reexamine your goals as I reexamined mine. But never despair. If you truly love writing, there's no need for despair. Certainly, life is too short for it.

NaNoWriMo Update
As if I weren't busy enough, I've committed myself to a NaNoWriMo novel that is totally unrelated to Semper. It's a middle-grade fantasy novel. After six and a half days, I'm over 16,000 words into it and having even more fun than I expected. I am so glad I didn't quit. I spend half my day wishing I could find more time to work on it, and half the night trying not to think about it so I can get to sleep.

Are you doing NaNo? If so, leave a comment or drop by the nanowrimo site and friend me. On the NaNo site, I'm PJD.

Still wearing the uniform... for now. #BSA blog #leadership

It's important to allow yourself some distance from an emotional event before deciding how you feel about it. Two months may not be enough for this one. I'm still deeply disappointed and hurt by Boy Scouts of America's decision in July to reaffirm its policies of bigotry and discrimination.

This is not a new struggle for me. I work with gay colleagues, party with gay friends, and socialize with gay neighbors. I would be honored to go hiking and camping with gay scouters.

I won't get into the stupid back and forth about "gay people are people too" (duh) or "I know more divorced straights than still-married straights" (true) or "being gay isn't a lifestyle choice" (duh, true), or "the US military is more tolerant than BSA is" (hoo boy). Those points have been made and apparently hold no water at BSA headquarters in Irving, Texas.

Instead, I want to say the following.

Dear BSA,

As a trained Scout leader who has been a den leader, pack committee member, troop committee member, and Assistant Scoutmaster for nearly a decade, I have recited the Scout Oath and Scout Law countless times. I have worn the uniform in public, have recruited families and boys into the organization, have taken responsibility for the safety of other people's children in the wilderness. I have celebrated with boys I've helped achieve the rank of Eagle.

I take very seriously my role in helping the boys develop into mature, responsible young men with an understanding of leadership and an ethic of accountability. The beauty of the scouting program is its emphasis on coaching the boys into becoming effective leaders. Every aspect of the program pushes the boys toward self-reliance, leadership, integrity, and cooperation.

Unfortunately, the national board of directors of BSA has forgotten what leadership really is. Leadership is far more than simply being in charge.

Leadership is courage. Leadership is the ability to put one's own prejudices and fears aside in the pursuit of getting the most of every member of the unit, thereby getting the most from the unit. Leadership is accepting every boy as he is, and believing that every boy can become a strong leader if given the right tools, coaching, and examples. Leadership is empowering others to be better than they think they can be.

Leadership is not fearful or boastful. Leadership is not arbitrarily exercising power over others. Leadership is not cliquish or exclusionary. Leadership is not punitive or petty. Leadership is not compromising values for revenue. Leadership is not telling someone they are less than they really can be.

While a bully can be in charge, a true leader is never a bully.

Today, I am signing a change.org petition asking our council to denounce BSA's policies of discrimination. Even if you are not in the Mt. Diablo Silverado area, please sign this petition.

I want to continue to be a scout leader. I know I am a positive influence for the scouts, and my own two boys get a tremendous amount out of my participation. I can lead without discriminating. I can teach the boys to be accepting of others and inclusive in their own leadership. I can show them courage.

But every time I look at that uniform hanging in my closet, I see bigotry, fear, and prejudice. I know when I put that shirt on, when I slip the neckerchief around my collar, I am painting myself in the colors of hate. Even if I believe in the values of scouting--and I do--this one policy so recently and unapologetically reaffirmed by BSA contaminates me. I, too, am victimized by this decision.

I have not yet decided to abandon the uniform because I feel an obligation to the boys and the families in my troop. I like them all very much, and the scouting activities we do together are a lot of fun. I see the boys maturing year by year, and know I am helping them in their growth.

I have not yet decided to abandon the uniform, but I can feel that day coming.

My top five #strengths: #4, #Positivity (blog)

Some years ago, I did this thing called Strengths Finder 2.0.  I am slowly blogging about my top strengths and perhaps about the least strengthful parts of me. For the other posts, check out the Strengths tag on this blog.

Strength #4:  Positivity

People strong in Positivity have a contagious enthusiasm; they are upbeat and can get others excited about things.

source unknown

When people who know me want to think about happy, positive things, they seek out puppies, rainbows, cupcakes, and Peter. Well, okay, that's probably overstating it, but the point is that I tend to see the good side of nearly every situation, and that rubs off on people.

While clearly there are some things that are bad and others which make me sad, I generally believe that all things turn out well in the end. If things aren't good, then it's not the end.

I also believe that (in general) things work out best for those who make the best of things.

I've been "let go" from jobs three times in my 23 year career. The first time was the hardest because even though the job market was decent, being laid off after seven years at one company carried with it many unknowns. Within days, however, I had a contract with one of my former company's big clients, so not only was I getting a decent severance, I was also making out on the contract.

The second time I was let go, so was everyone else. Yup, they shut down the company. I will never forget the CEO coming into the meeting room and saying, "The good news is we can pay you through yesterday." Such is life in a startup. While some of us panicked, I looked at this as the opening of opportunity. And it was. Six weeks later I was at a new job making more than I ever had before.

After the third layoff (another startup), I landed another contract in two weeks. That contract turned into a full time position and has led to where I am today, ten years later. Despite what Thomas Edison said, you never really know what opportunity looks like until you've missed it or grabbed it.

And so it goes. Sometimes change happens to you. I know worriers who try to plan for every contingency. Inevitably, something happens they never anticipated and didn't plan for, and suddenly their world falls apart. If you're one of those people, find someone like me to be your stabilizing influence during the rough patches. We can't fix your problems, but the first step is remaining calm. The second step is finding the positives. The third step is building on those positives.

The flip side of positivity is that I tend to be a very poor planner. Sometimes I go somewhere without complete directions and have to wing it. Or I'll be in a meeting and be asked a question I should have researched beforehand. (I'm working on that.) My positivity tricks me into thinking that no matter what happens, it will all work out okay in the end.

So far, it always has.

Come to think of it, it always will. Because if it's not okay, then it is not yet the end.

Discovering yourself through to-do lists - blog #amwriting

We all have favorite self-evaluation tools. Some people love the Myers Briggs MBTI type. Some tell me they're a "red" or I'm a "blue" or something. I don't really get that one. Then of course there are various Zodiac assessments. Personally, I enjoy the Gallup Strengths Finder program.

Many of us use these and other methods to determine who we'll date, what we'll eat, or what career path we'll follow.

Several years ago, I discovered a different way to focus my career path. I call it the To-Do List Method.™

Early in my career, I became a jack of all trades. I ran a tech pubs group, programmed, ran a tech support group. I found things to like and things to loathe about every job I had. But I was at an inflection point in my career--to progress for real, I'd need to turn myself in one direction and go for it. Marketing? Writing? Programming?

At the time, I happened to be director of marketing at a company that made embedded system software for routers. (Not everyone can successfully market embedded router software, you know. Check out my portfolio; you'll find some articles I authored for technical journals during that time.) But as with all startups, and with every job I've had since, my daily to-do list was longer than the available time. Every day I'd start with, say, 25 tasks, but I had time for only 20 of them. Some of course were mandatory, and those always got done.

Over a few months, I paid attention. Rather than chastise myself for not getting everything done, I studied those items and realized that nearly all those leftover tasks had a few things in common. Most of them involved the telephone. A lot of them involved salesy activity. Nearly none of them involved creative output--design, writing, or problem-solving. And other things.

I also found that this method highlighted my strengths. Communication, creativity, storytelling were among them. I always thought I was bad at those things because I hate hate HATE talking on the phone. With anyone. Ever. But that's just the phone. I was a whiz at tasks that used those skills in writing. Press releases? Mine were really good. Support collateral for the sales team? Awesome. Brand development? Check.

My career has developed in directions I never planned or predicted since then, but I've helped it along by knowing what tasks will fall off the list at the end of a busy day. I avoid jobs that have a lot of them because if you have 25 tasks you enjoy, doing 20 is easy. But if you have 25 tasks you hate, doing 20 will make you miserable.

This came up recently online when someone opined on whether writers are born or made. Someone said, "People who love writing will find time for it." NaNoWriMo winners often joke about leaving the laundry and dishes unwashed for weeks at a time to get the word count. So yeah, I agree. If you have talked about writing for five years and haven't actually done it, you might do a little to-do list analysis of your own. Stop being miserable about wanting to write and focus on the things you do love. And if it feels like 100% of your daily tasks are mandatory obligations for someone else, then you need to reprioritize your life, not just your tasks.

For me, writing is one of those things I find time for most days, most weeks. Even if I don't write, I'm thinking about my stories, spending my downtime in writing mode. And I'm a happier person when I can do that.

Look at your to-do lists for the last few months. What things do you consistently leave undone? Don't be afraid of or embarrassed by them. Treasure them, because they are the buoys that mark your safe channel. Thank them, because they tell you what jobs and activities to avoid in the future. And if you care to share, let me know what they are in the comments.