- Doubles Parenting Decathlon
Couples must coordinate activities for three children aged nine years, five years, and six months. Individual events include homework marathon, supermarket sprint medley, sports practice relay, and babysitter hunting. (Future Olympic games may include same-sex doubles parenting, but at this time all couples must be of mixed gender.)
- Singles Parenting Heptathlon
Similar to Doubles Parenting, but the competitors must accomplish the tasks alone while pestered by creditors and ex-spouse's lawyers. There is no distinction between men's and women's competition--both sexes compete in the same events.
- Poetry Slam
Even the East German judges couldn't make this any more subjective than figure skating is now. Alternate version: Full-contact poetry slam without pads.
- Financial Obstacle Course
Competitors, given massive debt, skyrocketing fuel and food prices, and a set of job skills determined by random draw, must navigate a different country's economic and social services system in order to achieve financial stability.
Competitors are subjected to 48 hours straight of propaganda, split up into 10-minute chunks for each of two political candidates. At the end of the 48 hours, competitors are judged on impartiality and ability to sift fact from the morass of misinformation. Additional points awarded for sticking to a set of previously articulate principles, particularly if that means voting against party lines.
- Wife Carrying
- Husband Carrying
Just because. I mean, really. Though things could get dicey when same-sex marriage is recognized by the IOC, though.
- Scavenger Hunt
Countries supply teams of four people who start out with only the list of items they need to find, a specified amount of local currency, and their clothing. The teams all set out from the stadium during a specified moment in the opening ceremony, and they must return two hours prior to the closing ceremony, during which the medals will be awarded. As long as no illegal means are used, how the teams acquire the objects is up to them. Certain objects may be designated more or fewer points.
I have seen some teenagers do this successfully at such a high rate of speed that my eyes could not keep up with their feet. Me, I do OK on the basic level for the Wii.
- Pole Dancing
I am astonished that this has not been added to the Games. Talk about television ratings.
- And a special bonus item that should be added to the Olympics:
Ten on Tuesday blogging!