Thursday Thirteen (#15) : Reality TV!

In honor of one of yesterday's 3WW words, today's Thirteen consists of reality TV shows I'd like to see. Or rather, shows I think someone will eventually make but from which I will stay far away. I wouldn't be surprised if half of these were in work already. The venerable "Survivor" series started it all, with "Big Brother" not far behind. Big Brother was the beginning of the end, stretching the meaning of "reality" to be "anything where we can get non-actors to make each other cry." Now we've got what appear to be hundreds of "reality" shows including The Bachelor (yeah, now that's reality), Wife Swap, Nanny 911, Fear Factor, The Biggest Loser, and even kids shows. So, in the spirit of further stretching the definition of reality, here are my thirteen suggestions: Tailback. Math Club members compete to see which gets to be the starting running back for the big Homecoming game. Blogmaster. Cameras follow bloggers around as they try to build traffic on their sites and undercut each other's credibility. Who Wants to Be A Senator? Contestants are judged on how much campaign cash they raise and how much mud they can throw during a series of timed contests. I Run, Iran. Actual politicians go through Basic Training to see which will be embedded with the first Marines when a lame-duck Bush sends troops into Iran. Surprise ending: All the competitors are sent in, to the delight of the voting public. Tour de Baghdad. Any Tour de France cyclist who tests positive for banned substances must compete in a series of road races in Baghdad. Liquor Up Front, Poker in the Rear. Contestants must participate in a series of intense drinking contests, then play Texas Hold 'em until only one player remains. J. Edgar Housewife. A number of nosy busybodies move into a house next door to a known mob boss. Whoever gathers the most evidence that will stand up in court wins. Survivor: Preschool. Contestants are dropped into the middle of a preschool and must survive on wits and skill. Contests to include calming a room full of ADHD three-year-olds, dealing with potty training accidents, holding an "open house" for parents, and identifying which cleaning products are least ineffective at killing germs. Shotgun Wedding. A pregnant teen identifies all the boys who could be the father of her baby, and the future father-in-law selects one to Take Responsibility. Illegal. Mexican citizens must choose whether to attempt navigating the bureaucracy or crossing dangerous swamps infested with poisonous snakes and bigoted vigilantes to try to enter the US. Perfect Match. Cameras follow the highs and lows of a group of people using online dating services. The first couple to marry wins. Cats and Dogs. Owners of pit bulls move into the apartments next door to owners of mountain lions. The owners and their pets must compete in games designed to take advantage of their aggressive natures. Pimp My Daughter. Parents compete to see who can make the most money by forcing their teenage daughters into prostitution. Lighthearted and fun contests include who can turn the most tricks in one night and who can get the highest-profile politician as a regular customer. Please, someone, make this "reality TV" madness stop. But if anyone out there reading this is a TV producer, I'd be happy to talk to you about buying the rights to these ideas.

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