blog cacophonyRobin once again has pulled together the nut jobs among us who are willing to voice our writing on line. McKoala has come up with the theme: How about we turn Valentine's day around? Read something slushily romantic in the least romantic way possible?
Yeah, well, I did a ton of slushily romantic goopy crap poetry when I was courting Mrs. Pete back in college. I was 21, and today I am so mortified by the squooshy gooshy lovey-dovey drivel I produced that I can't believe it actually worked. So, after looking through a half dozen of these saved scraps of paper, I had to pick one from the remaining pile at random before I died of embarrassment reading the rest. So here is the one I picked. The text is below. The YouTube shows the original page from 20 years ago.
Your room at 3 a.m.
December 15, 1988
Some say
talk is cheap
with you
it's priceless
You lay on your bed
your legs tucked up
eyes showing the time
smile soft and warm
the room was cold
but I was warm
when our eyes met
we were so close
undeniably close
you looked so cuddly
for a moment I was
your pillow
held so tight to your chest
held so close to your cheek
soft gentle skin
unbelievably alluring
a coy smile almost inviting
we both wished
we both burned
but "reality" held on
even at 3 a.m.
alone in your room
we didn't touch
physically
but somehow we embraced
our psyches, our souls
touched and held
a bond much stronger
than any possible
physical merging
we say it must wait
it is not realistic
but perhaps that night
was reality
an undeniable bond
awaiting recognition.
February 12, 2009
And now I completely lose your respect for all time
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13 comments:
So brave to read your own love poetry in such a dismissive way. I was trying to hear how it should be read and I could feel the strength of the pull between you, like magnetism. It took me right back to when I was a student.
I once started a love poem with the line:
Her existence pervades my being.
And so compared to that, you could post pretty much anything and it would seem good to me. I think the charm of love poetry is often not in its actual quality, but in the emotional risk involved in presenting it to someone. American men are not supposed to show any depth of feeling that does not involve a sports team, and so when they go out on a limb, it's charming in its own inept way.
Not that your poem is inept, actually. I'm not sure about the pillow line, but many lines seems good to me, and I was curious at the end about what has to wait and why. So, put this in a query letter and see what happens.
And, um, coming back to your reading, you definitely sound like you can't wait to get it over with. So top notch job. Actually, if you add a really nervous twitter, I can imagine this being the real reading, because the guy's so nervous about saying these things out loud.
Christ. Someone bought that?
That's a good point, Paca. Coincidentally, I once started a love poem with the line:
Shall I compare thee to an NBA basketball team?
Good bad reading.
LOL at EE. I think you deserve a pat on the back for bravely revealing your youthful love poetry. I love the way you dashed through it. You really fulfilled the brief of being as unromantic as possible.
Oh, Pete, you darling!!!
You're such a sweetie, and I agree, brave as hell to put up with us and recite your long-ago poem. That Mrs. Pete is one lucky girl!
Having said that, EE's comment made me laugh my ASS off. (Yeah, EE, well, the boy doesn't have them mean muttonchops goin' on, ya know.)
All right, c'mon ladies. Are you really telling me a love poem like this wouldn't have worked on you when you were young? I'd have been sucked right in, just like Mrs Pete.
"i was your pillow" - loved the delivery of this line -
I dunno what McK's talking about, I'd fall for it now
but only if you were hula-hooping -
FH, thank you. "Brave" was what I was hoping to hear. Not "stupid," which I expected. But perhaps you just misspelled "stupid" and I failed to notice.
Paca, thank you for such gentle treatment. I think you're right about the charm being in the emotional risk, not necessarily the actual poetry. But I have to question your judgment about the query letter. I'm not sure I'd want this in print in any place that would accept it...
EE--not only bought it, but kept it. Married nearly 19 years now. I know. I can't believe it either.
BT: NBA basketball team? I suppose it would depend which one. Actually, I think you've got a great start to a love poem there, if you then went on to make comparisons to several different teams for different reasons.
Jane, you get props for using the "brave" word too, but I'm beginning to sense a pattern. Custer was brave. The men of the Alamo were brave. The Light Brigade were brave. And look where it got them.
Robin, another brave! And also "sweetie." But you recovered with "lucky girl." I thought you were going to go the other way with "you have a good personality." For the record, EE's comment also made me laugh MY ass off. We'll see what Mrs. Pete has to say about it, though.
Aw, Koala, you dear, you win! I don't know what, but you win.
Wait! Wait, a late entry by Aerin just nips in and gains the victory at the end. I'm on my way to buy a hula hoop first thing in the morning.
This is great. There are moments when your tone makes you sound like you're selling insurance, and others where you could be explaining how to de-louse a labrador.
The poem is sweet too. What I'd give to be 21 and in love. A killer combination for all kinds of gush, methinks.
I'd have fallen for this, definitely. As long as you didn't read it! You make the sweet words like a late night advertisement on the radio!
Bravo!
Youtube is not cooperating with me since I turned down a multi-million deal to star in their "movies." I shall return.
Love this poem and the reading and especially that it worked! You did sound like you were at work reading a technical manual.
I'm waiting for the hula hoop video...
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