December 13, 2010

Reindeer Names

I do enjoy a lot of things about Christmas.  Mostly the old-timey songs like Rudolph and Let It Snow and White Christmas.  And the famous poem, Twas the Night Before Christmas.  I used to read that to the children when they were little.  Under protest, of course, but tradition is tradition, no matter how disagreeable.

Just now, though, I was thinking about Santa's eight named reindeer.  Rudolph, I thought, doesn't really count.  He's like the Justin Bieber of reindeer--a manufactured celebrity with a freak physical condition (nose vs hair) and limited talent, loved mostly by naive children.

No, I got to thinking about the eight backup singers and began wondering about their names.  The names apparently came originally from the aforementioned poem, written in 1807.  I have come to the conclusion, after careful study and a few glasses of red wine, that this poem--and the corresponding song about Rudolph--needs to be banned.  They are clearly a celebration of drug gang culture.

First, we've got Blitzen and Donner, who were originally named Blixem and Dunder meaning lightning and thunder.  These are violent names.  Gunfire names.  And of course, Santa's "ho ho ho":  Vixen, Cupid, and Dancer (being in the Arctic, that would be Pole Dancer of course).  Dasher and Comet are the bag men, obviously.

Still working on Prancer.  It's either the gang's pimp or Santa's gay little brother.  Either way, totally unwholesome for Real America's children.  I am certain Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck would agree with me on this one.

So the next time your child breaks into a raucous chorus of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," smack him and lock him in his room.  We should not be celebrating corrupt drunk cops that enable drug gangs.  For that's clearly what the song is about:  Poor Rudy's kept out of the gang.  So he becomes a cop, but he's a lush (thus the red nose).  One day Santa has a problem--all his goods have been seized, and he needs some help.  Here comes Rudy to save the day and make sure all the drugs get out to the streets, keeping Santa in business and finally being let into the gang.

It's sick, really.


Laurel said...

Dude. Did you get one of those special medical dispensations for some kind bud? might be on to something.

Phoenix Sullivan said...

Laurel totally stole my "Dude" opening.

It was going to go something like:
Dude. Seriously. You need to sleep it off, son.

I think the movie -- the one from which Rudy's mug shot comes -- is far more inappropriate for kids in its clear display of sexism. Jocks and cheerleaders. Does in peril. I'm surprised Burl Ives doesn't twirl his moustache "Snidely."

fairyhedgehog said...

So now we know the truth and it ain't pretty.

Travis Erwin said...

Actually Rudolph snorted too much coke which is why his nose is so red in the first place.

jjdebenedictis said...

Prancer is a ho too. Best candy cane in town, if you like that flavour. *wink, wink*

PJD said...

Jen, you are wicked.

Travis, I always suspected that. It would explain the stuffed-up nasal sound of his voice, too. Or so I imagine. I've never personally known any cokeheads.

Hedgie, the truth rarely is pretty. Oh, wait. Maybe that's not right. Sometimes it's very pretty.

Phoenix, what's always bothered me (really) about the Rudolph story is that the jocks and cheerleaders don't undergo any enlightenment. They only accept Rudolph when his freakishness saves their butts. The next cleft-tailed or cross-eyed reindeer is going to get ostracized just like Rudolph did. And Rudy will probably be the worst of the bunch.

Laurel, don't I wish.